The funny thing is that summer is here
and I donít know what to do at all. After a year of cramming
and reading, suddenly pointless things seem frivolous. As
the clockís needle flicks on, each wasted minute itself
feels like a prick of a needle to me. So, certainly, I
should be fully able to abandon myself to summertime bliss,
but instead I feel like this is time I should be investing
in more purposeful things.
Ugh. I blame the eyes-on-college
mentality so strongly inculcated in me from the beginning of
high school. It makes me feel as though I should pack
activities like sardines into the neat little boxes of my
agenda and then transfer them triumphantly into my
application. Whatís more, it puts me in an irritating
position now, sandwiched between something and nothing,
feeling lethargic and itchy. And the three months of summer
vacation stretch before me like a never-ending expanse of
time that I feel worried will be frittered away as I fade
into my couch watching bad T.V. show after bad T.V. show.
Relaxing wastes time if itís only partial relaxing. And I
canít relax without assuring myself that Iím not wasting
time. And making an effort to assure always leads to partial
Or maybe what I ought to blame is the
lack of inspiration around me. I know, I know, this sounds
very drudging and bitter, but thereís some truth to it.
After all, smack-dab in the middle of suburbia, I find
myself surrounded by the same manufactured modes of fun.
Like the mall, at which shopping means purchasing and
wearing something at least five people you know already
have. Or the movie theater, which is playing its usual
summer features of Mediocrity I, II, and III. Taking a
saunter to the well-sauntered Town Square would be similarly
unenlightening. Everyone is a drone, wearing the same
clothes, making the same remarks, and brandishing the same
hairdo, perfected by the same hair straightener.
And every time someone laughs at these
complaints and pats me absently, counseling me to ďtake it
easy,Ē I end up stiffening even more.
I sound very grouchy. And in need of a long and
refreshing nap. Maybe when I wake up things will be more